Krista, Where are You?

It's Friday, the sun is shining, there is a crisp breeze in the air and although my body is tired from our action-packed week, I feel energized and hopeful. These past two weeks have been amazing. I will be honest, this past year with the pregnancy and Mr. Level-Headed's new job were really tough on me - mentally, physically and spiritually. I felt stretched beyond my abilities, chasing a toddler and growing another baby in my aging body. With Mr. Level-Headed finished his MBA-CMA and switching careers from real estate to the corporate world of JDI, we were suddenly living on a fixed income for the first time in our married life, and as nice as it is to have a consistent paycheck rolling in and medical insurance, it is very stressful trying to make that paycheck stretch far enough to provide for our family, and to be honest, it does not stretch far enough. I felt like I never had enough energy, never enough money and never enough time to be successful at managing and mothering a family of seven. Feeling physically tired and being unable to keep up with all the demands of our busy household left me doubting myself, my abilities, and my sanity. Throughout the day, I would beat myself up with thoughts like: what have I done? why did I think I could just quit work and have more babies? why do I do these foolish things? 

Gradually, these negative thoughts chipped away at me and I started to believe everything I was telling myself. No, you cannot do this. You were crazy to think you could start over. You are not responsible enough, disciplined enough, caring enough or patient enough to be a mom of five. I stopped writing, I stopped dreaming and I stopped being me - that girl who runs head first into life and hopes for the best, who has great big ideas and chases after them, who does crazy things just for the heck of  it and who believes she can do anything. I had suddenly become fearful.

So, what has changed? Why have I woken up each morning for the past two weeks feeling energized and hopeful? We are still living off an entry-level paycheck, I am still an older mama with a large herd of munchkins and I am still dreadfully behind on the laundry and the housecleaning, but I am writing again. I am consistently writing again, and as crazy as that sounds, it has changed everything.

I had an epiphany the other day while reading the book Bernadette, Where are You?. It is a very funny but very insightful book about a woman who loses herself in the demands of caring for her family and who eventually goes crazy because of it. There was a line in the book that spoke volumes to me: "Bernadette is an artist and if she does not create, she will become a menace to society". No, I am not a menace to society. . .yet . . . but I am also not an artist like Bernadette, who was an architectural genius, but this line struck a chord with me because I am a writer. I create with words, and even though this silly little blog is not popular enough to make any money for me or polished enough for me to consider myself a true artist, it is a creative space that I have carved out for myself. It is where I come to create the stories of things that matter most to me, the everyday adventures of my family, and it is where I come to feel alive and to reconnect with myself after spending the majority of my day engulfed in the mundane but very challenging demands of raising a family. I love being a mom! I love my children and my husband, but I also love writing and in order to be best the mom and wife I can be, I now recognize I also need to be the best writer I can be.

What gifts do you have? What makes you feel alive?

I would love to hear from you.

Just Me and My Friends

So, I am trying something new.  This is big!  REALLY big!

Writing this blog has been amazing for me!  I have been able to reconnect with the writer within me; the poor girl has been completely ignored and denied for so many years.  In fact, when I think about it, I have never allowed her to stretch out her wings (writer's one, of course, and not the dreaded "mom" kind . . .  tee hee!), and explore the possibilities of her gift.  She was discovered while I was in university, but was restricted to the production of academic papers, which are rigid in their formula and content, but nonetheless, she accepted this meagre allotment opportunity had provided her and found ample space within her assigned confines to grow.  Eventually, she was packed away with the other trinkets from my "school days", and was only granted the rare occasion to peak her lovely head out, to drink in the beauty of her surroundings, and to transform her thoughts, experiences, and understanding into words.  My sporadic journal entries were not enough for her, though.  She craved an audience, and now that she has one, she will not shut up!  I am sorry, but once you feed the beast, you have to live with the beast  . . . tee hee! 

Anyhoo, so I think you get the picture that writing this blog has been an invigorating experience for me.  It has provided a whole new layer to my life, one that is exciting, challenging, and fulfilling.  But, like a teenage girl who has found her long lost BFF, I have focused all of my adoration upon her and have allowed everything else to fall to the wayside.  In the beginning of my blog, I would write just after Derrick and the kids headed off to work and school, but this ate into the time I once used to tackle my daily housekeeping tasks and to make homemade goodies, which really no one should have to live without.  Then, I switched to writing at night after the kidlets were put to bed.  This seemed to work well even though I am not typically a night hawk, but I was quickly turning into one.  Then the other night, Derrick came home late from work.  The kids were in bed, and I was on the computer trying to make the brilliance happen, so I looked up and said "Hi!".  Well, it went something like this:

Me: "Hi, babe!  How was your day?"
Derrick: "Uneventful" (which is his usual answer).

Writing, writing, writing

Me: "Oh, you are going straight to bed?"
Derrick: "Unless you need me for something?"
Me: "Yeah, Zoe's shower smells like sewage.  I think something backed up.  Can you take care of that for me?  I'm a little busy."
Derrick: "No problem"
Me: "Thanks!"

Writing, writing, writing

The next time I looked up, the house was dark, the smell was gone (thank heavens), and everyone was snoring.  So, I sent my blog off and went to bed.  As I was laying in the dark, my long time companion, anxiety (oh, how I hate him) reared his ugly head, and would not allow me to sleep.  I tossed and turned.  I tried to calm my mind, but to no avail.  When I thought about it, this unwelcomed "friend" had been creeping around more than usual lately.  What is going on?   Then it occurred to me!  My late night writing fests were denying me my daily dose of level-headedness.  You see, as a thinker of grand ideas and the CEO of "Shenanigans Inc" ( . . . tee hee!  I crack myself up.), I need Mr. Level-Headed's unique perspective and his calming assurance each night that everything is going to be okay.  Yes, Krista, your garden will be fine. No, it is not too cold out there for your tomato plants.  No, Krista, the boys unrelenting wrestling matches do not mean they are destined for a life of violence.  Yes, I love that idea, and that idea, and that idea.  Well, that idea my not be so hot, and so on and so on and so on. 

So you see, Mr. Level-Headed is not just the financier of this operation, Shenanigans Inc. (again, I kill myself!).   He is my rock, and I need our nightly debriefing (and yes, Tina, I do mean debriefing . . . tee, hee!) sessions to refocus, to strengthen my resolve and to muster up the courage go back at it each day in spite of the countless mistakes I make.  Man, I love that boy! 

So, after all of this, and I really did not expect it to take this long.  I really thought I was just writing the introduction rather than the entire blog.  See, what did I tell you?   She will not shut up!  Well, after all this, I have decided to get up at 5am each morning to write my blog.  It sounds ridiculous, but I am a morning person, and I had no problems hopping out of bed to write this morning.  I think she may have actually dragged me.  She has become a little obnoxious lately with her new-found freedom, and I may have to put her in her place.  Debriefing . . . Mr. Level-Headed is going to kill us over that one!

Anyhoo, there you have it folks.  The grand idea that will change the world as we know it.  Phew!  Aren't you glad that's done! 

Now, I'm off to get the kidlets ready for school.   Have a great day and keep me posted on any shenanigans that your day may bring.

Oh, and for those of you, who come to this spot not for my neurotic ramblings but rather for my cuties, here is a picture of the wee-est Webster sleeping sitting.  I could just eat him, he is so cute!