In All Honesty

I received an email yesterday from a friend of mine in High School, who, besides commenting on how old we are getting, mentioned that she appreciated how honest I am in my blog.  And this got me thinking . . .

Have you guys reached the same level of trepidation yet that Mr. Level-Headed reaches every time he hears me utter those words?

Anyhoo, I was grateful that she recognised my efforts at honesty because I fear that blogs, particularly "mommy" blogs, can very easily become dishonest, or better yet, misleading when post and after post they simply focus on the perfect five minutes of their day.  And in all honesty, that's all it amounts to, five brief magical minutes, while the other thirteen hours and fifty-five minutes are spent working on the mundane tasks of raising kids and keeping house. Okay, so this is a bit of an exaggeration and really it isn't that bleak, but you know what I am getting at.

As I was reading through my blog the other day, my heart sank when I saw the four month gap between my posts.  I am sure some of you pictured me being so enraptured with teaching my two, angelic boys, with keeping my home in pristine order, and enjoying every waking moment soaking in the grandeur of the world that surrounds me, that I had no time to write.  That I simply had forgotten you. Well, this is not true.  This is where my blog has misled you.  Although I was busy teaching my boys, cleaning my house, and making life run smoothly here at Shenanigans Inc, what you don't know is how I did each of these things swaddled within the heavy cloak of mourning.  How I struggled each morning to put a smile on my face, to take charge of the daily challenges that greeted me, and to maintain the hope I needed to go on.  

In the wee hours of an early December morning, I had a miscarriage.  The baby, Mr. Level-Headed and I had prayed so hard for and had worked so hard to conceive, quietly and unceremoniously slipped into non-existence.  Words cannot express the pain and the anguish we suffered that morning, and many mornings afterwards.  

So, why am I telling you this after so many months?  Well, to be honest, I don't know.  I had never intended to share this part of my story, but over the past few weeks I felt like I was somehow letting you down.  Like,  I was being dishonest and misleading you to think that when you live a ferry crossing away from civilisation you are somehow immune to the searing pain of disappointment, loss, and hardship.

I am also telling you this because I don't want my little Sesame, the loving nickname Mr. Level-Headed and I used to refer to our baby in reference to the size he/she was when we found out about our pregnancy, to fade into obscurity.  I remember what a comfort it was to lay on the ultra-sound table the morning after my miscarriage and say "this was my fourth pregnancy".  Even though this pregnancy did not produce the baby we had so desired, this pregnancy existed and for a brief couple of weeks, I was the mother of four children.

As difficult as this miscarriage was and as much as I NEVER want to experience anything like it ever again, I  can honestly say I am grateful it happened to me.  Sounds crazy, right?  But, it is true.  Over the course of those cold, dark, winter months, I lost my baby, wrapped myself in a figurative cocoon, which enabled the transformative power of mourning to heal me, and emerged a new woman.  A stronger woman.  A woman who had tasted both the sweet and the sorrowful in life and decided to carry onward.  I survived something I never thought possible.  I demonstrated to myself that I am strong and that I can do hard things, and for this, I am eternally grateful. 

Through my blog, I want to help people maintain hope, to recognise the blessings in really hard situations, and to know that they are not alone in their struggles or their heartaches.  I want to scream out that life is hard for everyone, but it can also be very precious!  I want to sift through the difficult and reveal the tiny glimmers of wisdom, truth, humour and joy that are evident in our day if we but only take a moment to notice them.  I want my blog to celebrate both the perfections and the imperfections of life.  I want to chronicle my life, my successes and my failures, my joys and my heartaches because, in all honesty, they are what make me the woman I am today, and I wouldn't change a thing.  This is why I share my story . . . my entire story.  

For the story of this painting, check here

Just Another Manic Monday . . .

I read an expression this morning that I think sums up what is needed here at Shenanigans Inc.:

A Gentle Day

Doesn't that sound lovely?

Well, after the day we had yesterday, a gentle day is definitely in order.

It all started when I awoke and realised there was no milk left.  In fact, there was no cereal left.  The bread was gone and we were down to one egg.  Yikes!  No worries, though, I woke the boys up and announced we were going out for breakfast.

Yippee!

Since we were already up and out, I decided that this would be a good time to catch up on all those errands I keep putting off.  I am the Queen of Procrastination!  We did some shopping, washed the car, bought the week's groceries, ran home to unload the groceries, ate lunch, headed back out to get the oil changed in the car, and arrived home at 4pm to catch up on the schoolwork we missed and to make supper before soccer at 6:30pm.  Phew!

And here lies the problem:  amidst the flurry of activity and pressing time constraints, Elliot shuts down and I push harder.  Trust me, this is one lethal combination.  There were tears, there was shouting, there were empty threats made, and there were feelings hurt.  Ugh!

Thankfully, my hubby, who did I mention just finished his exam for the CMA course (woot! woot!), was actually home for supper, and managed to save the day with his level-headedness by sitting down with Elliot, turning his funk of a mood around with a monetary incentive (I prefer the word incentive to bribery, don't you?) and helping him to finish his work.  Then, like only the best Super Heroes can, he made the evening even better by taking the kids to soccer (woot! woot! woot!).

Although I promised to clean up the kitchen while he was gone, I lied.  Yeah, that's the kind of girl I am.  Instead, I laid on the couch and read some blogs, called my mom, and took a hot bath.

Shrouded within the peace and quiet of my home, clarity returned.

Okay, girl.   You screwed up.  You lost your patience and your cool, BUT tomorrow is another day.  Oh, and don't forget all the good things that did happen today.

Does anyone else do that; forget all the wonderful things they did in a day after only one screw up?  I do this ALL the time.  I beat myself up mercilessly for the one mistake and ignore the hundred things I did right.

So, I started focusing on what went right with our day.

First of all, I bought a bathing suit that, if you allow me to boast for only a moment, I totally rock in and, as all you ladies out there can testify, this is a small miracle in of itself.  

Second of all, I filled my home with nutritious food for my family, which is hugely significant because I once again sustained the life of five whole people on the earth today.  Wow!  

Third, I gave the boys a brand new experience here on this mortal journey of theirs by taking them to the car wash.  I know!  Their first one . . . who knew they were leading such deprived lives, or that I am such a neglectful car owner?  I must say, though, it did blow their mind!

I apologise for how blurry this picture is, but I think it captures the boys' excitement to a tee.

Fourth, my heart was full and I had one of those proud mama moments when Avery exclaimed: "Sometimes I get so happy that I think my head might burst right open!".  Totally made my day!  

And last but not least, I laid down in bed with Elliot last night, where we snuggled and apologised for all the grief we had caused one another and promised to never do it again.  Awwwww!

Okay, so, we both lied but, hey, we went to bed happy and eager to face another day together.  

tee hee!

Are We Loving our Kids into Therarpy - Part 2

If this is your first time joining us here at Shenanigans Inc., or if you are one of those people who can only take me in small doses and, therefore, can only stomach my blog on the rare occasion, this is what we are talking about today:  How to Land Your Kid in Therapy.

Listen, I hate links too.  You come here for a quick laugh and a gawk at my darling kids, and then all of a sudden, I send you over to read another article WITH an attached video.  Oh, the injustice of it all!  But seriously, this article is very interesting and the video is a must-watch.  So, go!  I promise I will still be here when you get back.  You can do it . . . press the button.  Yay!

I love summer, but it is awfully difficult to find time to think around here when the kidlets are home all day!  But, thankfully, the kids entertained themselves during that wet, wet, wet day yesterday and so, like Pooh, I found my thoughtful spot, sat down, and thunk and thunk and thunk . . .  tee hee! 

How do you land your kid in therapy?

Well, you could snap a picture of them on one of their cross-dressing escapades, promise to never show it to anyone except family (but you're my blogging family), and then post it on your blog for the entire world to see.  That should do it, right?

Oh, the levels my wee Websters will stoop to when there is competition involved. It was wacky Wednesday at soccer camp and the person with the zaniest costume won fifty points for their team.  And you guessed it, Avery won!  He's the one with the cute black blob and turquoise headband if you didn't recognize him.

Anyhoo, although this could definitely land your kid in therapy, what the article is concerned about is today's parents' obsession with making their kids happy because, guess what, they have now discovered that not only is too little attention bad for a child's development but too much is equally as bad.  Does this make your head hurt?  Recently, psychologists have started to see more and more young people, who grew up with great parents, come into their office with depression, and they believe this is due to the phenomena of  "Ta-da parenting".  "Ta-da parenting" is when you raise your child to believe that everything they do is amazing. I  loved the woman in the video who said: "you breathed in and out . . . this is fantastic!".  Then these kids grow up to be adults working in an office where no one thinks their fantastic, or where no one lurks around every corner to snap their photo for an entire blog entry about how fabulous they are.  Okay, the last bit was my addition, and yes, I recognize that I am the worst culprit of "ta-da parenting".  Didn't I dedicate an entire blog post to they ways my kids shine?  I hope my darlings have a good medical plan someday. 

According to these professionals, what kids need to learn is that ordinary is okay and it is okay not to shine in everything.  Which leads me to another one of my favourite quotations in the video, "when did being average or ordinary become distasteful in our culture?".  There is about a billion of us on this planet so why do we think that we could even for a minute be on top of it all?  This is not to say that we shouldn't encourage our kids to strive to do their best, but we shouldn't try and make them "the best" in all things and at all times.  They go on to say that drama teachers now struggle to choose plays filled with equal parts because kids and their parents time how long each kids gets to be on stage.  As a soccer coach, you wouldn't believe how many times I am blasted by parents because their son/daughter did not have equal playing time as the other kids.  This is ridiculous!  I am sorry but Johnny sucks and every time he gets the ball it is a disaster!  Why can't we say that?  Okay, maybe that was harsh, but you know what I mean. 

Also as parents, we struggle to ensure that our kids are exposed to everything.  The parenting books say we need to have well-rounded kids; therefore, we sign them up in classes for everything.  It is simply not enough that Johnny plays football, but he also needs to play baseball, soccer, hockey, and don't forget art classes and music. We've all seen these kids.  My kids have been these kids!  At one point, we were in swimming, karate, soccer, and piano.  INSANITY!  And to top it all off, I was working full-time.  We did that for one year, and finally we decided that keeping up with the Jones' was definitely not worth it.  Now, we have the rule of one sport and piano, but it is not easy to stick to.  What it comes down to is, yes, kids need to be exposed to all sort of experiences, but they can have these experiences in their backyard.  They don't need to take a painting class, they can paint at home.  They don't need to join a baseball league, they can play baseball with their friends in the backyard.  Kids need to pick one thing they are really interested in and want to get better in and only sign up for those classes.  Sounds easy, but it is tricky.  Derrick and I spent three hours the other night discussing how we are going to better institute this in our own family because, for instance, Zoe may only be signed up for soccer and piano outside of school time, but then she gets picked for all the scholastic teams at school, which quickly becomes a huge time commitment and encroaches upon family time and her much-needed down time.  So how do you maintain the balance?   Well, according to the professionals in the video, you say "no".  GASP!   Can we do that to our kids!  Yes, and we need to do it for our kids.  Which leads me to my absolute favourite line in the video: "at some point, our kids need to think it is a tragedy of earth-shattering proportions that they have been born into the wrong family".  Love it!  They need to hate you, and we are not supposed to be their best friends.  We are the parents and we are here to set limits.  Oh, and to knock them down a peg or two . . . tee hee!

In the end, one thing that was touched briefly upon in the video, and what I believe is at the core of all that is wrong with the world today, is the break down of community.  In the past, children were raised in large families, with large extended families and in neighbourhoods with a ton of kids.  They played and worked together.  And in a community, you learned that you were loved and valuable, but more importantly, you learned that you were no more special than the next person.  There was a sense of belonging to a group and being dependent upon that group for survival.  Today, although we are "connected" to a gazillion people via the world wide web, we live very isolated lives, where we no longer have to get to know anyone.  And in our isolated lives, we can create, to steal a phrase from the video, "a pod of coziness", where we rule as lord supreme and our kids are raised upon the fallacy of their own superiority.  What have we done?

It all sounds very heavy and very apocalyptic, but the answer to raising happy kids is to relax.  Love them, yell at them, feed them, ground them, clothe them and tell them no.  Be a family!  Get involved in your community, and let your kids see for themselves just how awesome and not-so awesome everyone else is.  It can be that easy and that wonderful!

Oh, and by the way, I just paid Avery $2 for the rights to the photo above, and then I told him I was posting the photo not because he is special but because he is a fool!   See, this parenting thing is a cake walk . . . tee hee! 

Oh, and he is still trying to figure out who Johnny is because he definitely doesn't want him on his soccer team.

Thou Shalt Not Judge . . . or something like that

Let's be honest here; we've all done it. 

We've all passed judgement upon somebody at some point along our journey here, and we will probably do it again.  From our pinpoint perspective, pin-head perspective works well too, we assume we can gather enough information about someone and a situation to determine all there is to know about them: their social status, their moral compass, their beliefs, and their weaknesses.   Judgement is like a seesaw.  oooh!  That just came to me.  Pretty good, eh?  The act of pushing one person down, exalts another person to a higher position or vice versa.  When we pass a negative judgement upon someone, we inadvertently take the higher ground and give ourselves a silent praise for not being like that.  Or, when we pass a judgement of praise, like, boy, she is the perfect mom, we tear ourselves down for not being as good.  In the end, someone always gets hurt.

I try really hard not to judge others but, with summer upon us and lots of opportunity to people-watch at the beaches and the parks, it can be difficult.  For me, I often make up stories about the people I watch, but simply wrapping up my judgements within the cloak of fiction really doesn't change the fact that I have just made assumptions about someone according to how they are dressed, how they speak, and how they treated the people around them. 

So, why am I bringing this up today?  Is this some grand confessional where I reveal  how truly nasty I am? 

Nope.

We' ll save that for some other time . . . tee hee!

No, I wanted to bring it up because the other day, I felt like I was on the receiving end of judging eyes, and it made me laugh to think how far from the truth this situation looked. 

Here's how it went down.

The kids and I were all packed up and on our way to New River Beach.  We had just drove onto the ferry, and I pulled out my Iphone to do the drill.   You know: facebook check, twitter check, blog check, email check . . . ahh, the world is still in tact.  At that moment, I became very self-conscious as I looked around the car and noticed we were all hooked into handheld electronic gadgets. 

I could hear the old-Betties now: "Just look at the 21C family!  Everyone's playing on one of those computer do-flickies and no one is speaking to one another. What happened to the good ol' days when moms knew their kids, and kids used their imaginations and played out doors until the sun the went down."

For one brief moment, I wanted to tell everyone to put their gadgets away so we could talk about what we wanted to do when we arrived at New River.  I wanted to look like the family we are.  You see what they couldn't possibly know by watching us is this was the only time my kids would get all day to play video games (remember one hour screen time rule) and it was only because we had an hour's drive ahead of us, or that my kids would spend over five hours at the beach that day playing soccer, volleyball, baseball, swimming, etc, or that I am a hands-on mom who drives her children crazy with her incessant need to talk to them.  Stop!  I really am a good mom!

But, in that same brief moment, I stopped caring what they may be thinking, and I started to laugh.  How many times have I, through a glimpse, figured I knew everything about someone else?  How many times have I exalted myself above the poor mother who has just yelled at her kids in the grocery aisle even though I have been there myself?  This was justice.

So, I tuned back into my Iphone and thought: "hmmm . . . I wonder what I can do now to make their story really interesting?".

Tee hee!





  

Random Observations

I am happy to announce that after my "fall" on Tuesday night, I am back to my old cheery self.  No emphasis on old, please.  It just took a quiet day at home with very little running around to rejuvenate my mind and body from the insanity of my weekend.  With a refreshed spirit, I was able to enjoy my kids and spend some one-on-one time with each of them.  Even my big orange baby!

Isn't he precious!  He is currently in desperate need of a good grooming, though.

I love afternoons like yesterday!  The sun was shining, the boys horseback riding lessons were cancelled, and suddenly an entire afternoon was opened up. 

Avery decided that since it was sunny, he wanted to go for a swim.  When Avery wants to do something, he does it!  I can give him a million logical reasons why something should not be done, but he needs to find out on his own.  So, even though I told him that the river is still frigid cold because it was only a month ago that it was frozen solid, he put on his swim trunks and we headed to the shoreline.  As soon as his tootsies touched the water, he decided that perhaps swimming should wait for another day.  Of course he did not acknowledge that I was right, and I, being the mature adult, did NOT tell him "I told you so!".

Instead, he played along the rocks asking me questions the entire time.

Look at all the bug bites on his chest.  The bugs LOVE him!

One of the things I love about Avery is that he is an observer.  He notices everything!!  Like the time he explained that Grammie Skov has the best smile in the entire world because her smile is so huge that her cheeks scrunch up and almost cover her eyes.  The funny thing is that it is true, and even though I have spent more time on this earth with my mom than he has, he took the time to "see" her and to note what makes her so special.  I wish I could be more like that!  It truly is a gift!
Anyhoo, back to our question and answer period.  So, as you can imagine, some of Avery's questions are pretty tough to answer, and he forces you to really think about things.

Avery: "Mom, does water go on forever?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Avery: "Does this river touch the entire world?"
Me: "Well, it does connect to the Bay of Fundy, which is connected to the Atlantic Ocean, which is connected to all the other oceans in the world. So, yeah, it does go on forever!"

Phew!  I managed to answer that one, but the next one I flubbed up a bit so please leave a comment on this post if you have the answer.

Avery: "The world spins right, mom?"
Me: "Yes."
Avery: "Why can't we feel it?"
Me: "Because we are so tiny and this world is so HUGE compared to us that we do not realize it is moving."
Avery: "Does it move fast or slow?"
Me: "I think slowly because if not we would see a million different sunrises and sunsets in a day. But we may have to ask daddy, though because I am really not sure."

Help!  Does anyone out there no the answer.  He was not impressed that I did not know, and later became convinced that while sitting on a particular rock that he could feel the earth moving.

He then moved on to fraternal and paternal twins, and was wondering why one group looks alike and the other does not.  As soon as I started to explain that moms have eggs, he broke into laughter and took off.  I guess he figured that I know nothing.  People are  not born from eggs, crazy lady!

Once Avery left me, I spent sometime watching Scout.  For him, the water was just the right temperature and he had no intentions of leaving just yet.  Scout is very funny!  He is a quirky dog, and one of the funniest things he does is dig up the rocks in the water and take them out. His first summer, Derrick would take him and the kids down to the river.  The kids always whined that our beach was too rocky so while they were all playing around, Derrick would pick up the rocks and throw them to the side.  He was convinced that if we did this that overtime, a LONG period of time mind you, we would eventually have a sandy beach.  Well, he has given up on that dream because the river's current seems to dump all the rocks on our beach. It's just the way it is.  Scout, on the other hand, has not given up, and whenever he is finished with swimming, he gets straight down to business.

He truly is a working dog!

I gave the kids until 4pm to do whatever they wanted and then we hit the books. I can't wait until school is over and we no longer have homework to do. I say we because my boys need to be continually kept on task and prodded along.  It is exhausting, and one of us usually throws a temper tantrum somewhere along the line.  Aah!  Sweet mommy and son bonding time! But, yesterday, was different. In fact, I was shocked at how cooperative they both were, and even more shocked when Elliot, after I announced that we had to work on his persuasive writing skills because the provincial exam is next week, did not storm the house in a fit of rage.  Not that he has ever done that when it comes to homework . . . ha, ha!  As we sat together and worked our way through the reasons why he wants a dirt bike, I noticed that he really did not need me that much.  He was spelling words on his own and he was able to come up with coherent sentences that logically outlined his reasoning behind wanting a death machine (my words, not his).  I was taken back for a moment.  Although this was definitely a proud mama moment for me because hallelujah he is actually learning something, I was sad because all of a sudden my little boy had a become an independent writer. 

Flash forward to suppertime.

After a lively dinner conversation, which will take up a whole other blog entry sometime, Elliot, who had cleared his plate, got up with plate in hand and said, "Mom, that was a great!  Can I go outside now?".

Stop the presses!

Who are you and what have you done with my son?

I was utterly flabbergasted!  Elliot is my pickiest eater, and mealtime always involves whining with some acrobatic maneuver, whether it be hanging upside down on the chair or teetering on the edge of his chair with just his tippy toes.  Trust me, the boy does not like mealtime.  So, when did he grow up and become this mature homework-doing, meal-eating, clean-up-after-myself kind of kid?

Well, my best guess is that it happened sometime overnight.

I guess there really is something to this double-digit thing!

Later in the evening, we all curled up to watch the finale of American Idol.  After "observant" Avery commented that he could almost see the girls' "private parts" because their dresses were so short and Elliot became fixated on the fact that Steve Tyler was caught smoking, Derrick and I figured it was probably time to put the boys to bed.  Ah, good, wholesome family viewing.  Thanks, again, cable TV! Thank heavens the boys were not up to see Lady Ga Ga's performance.  It was kind of getting hot and heavy with her and that guy on the rock.  Yikes!

In the end, it was just Zoe and I who stuck it out.  Although all that I learned about Zoe this particular evening was that she loves the white sneaker look (I can't go there), J Lo's pant suit and Scotty, I did have a chance to reflect upon our time together on Monday night at coaches' training for soccer.  This summer, Zoe is going to become a coach for our soccer club, and she is going to do a fantastic job!  I was such a proud mama the other night when she lead a group of adult women through a series of drills that you could use with the young kids.  She was so confident!  And she knew her stuff!  This girl truly amazes me each and every day. 

 I will be proud to pass my little ones over to her this summer.  She is going to have a blast with them!

Here is Zoe with a couple of the other youth who will be coaching this summer.  They are a great bunch of kids!

There you have it!  Aren't my kids awesome!  I am so grateful that I took the opportunity yesterday to rest.  The world we live in is so busy and and filled with so many distractions that we have to make a conscious effort to say, "I'm done!" and to step off the crazy train for awhile.   If we don't, then life becomes one garbled mess of varied experiences and sensations, which will eventually lose their meaning if we allow them to simply slip through our consciousness without reflection.  Luckily for me, I was able to reconnect after a quiet morning with just me and my thoughts, and by the time that big, yellow bus pulled up at the end of my driveway, I was prepared to truly "see" the people, and the big orange fella, that I share my life with.

Just a note of caution, when flinging one's self off the crazy train, one must tuck and roll. Always tuck and roll!

Tee hee!