I guess last week was the honeymoon phase of my second trimester. I felt awesome! I was never sick and I had lots of energy. I cleaned the entire house, I baked treats and I felt like my old, optimistic self again. Pumped from hearing Thing 4's heartbeat at the doctor's office, I even allowed myself to entertain the notion that yes, we are indeed having another baby. We decided on our names and we started collecting baby items. But, the honeymoon is over.
This week I feel overwhelmingly tired. I have been pukey, nauseous, and headachy. I think the worst part, though, is that I am feeling uneasy once again about the outcome of this pregnancy. I read somewhere that a woman does not fully recover from the heartache of a miscarriage until she is holding another baby in her arms, and I am really starting to believe it. I keep rereading our baby story to reassure me that yes, our time has come, but then I have these terrible moments, when the doubt and the fear creep back in, and I think there is no way I am going to end up with my happy ending. How sad is that?
Last night I had another doozy of a dream. While we are on the topic of crazy pregnancy dreams, let me tell you, I think this pregnancy wins the prize. EVERY night I dream that I am working, whether it be weeding a garden, running a marathon, working out, or finding a lost child, which for some reason involved me scaling the walls of a five story apartment building. These dreams last all night long and the work never lets up. I wake up feeling exhausted! But, I never dream of my baby.
Then last night, I dreamt I had the baby. I was in the hospital, but people kept giving me jobs to do. I had to take care of all these people and I kept telling them that I needed to get back to my baby, but they just kept piling on the work. Finally, I finished my work and I remember looking at my watch and thinking:
Ahhhhhhh! I have never even nursed my baby and she was born 8 hours ago!
As I made my way to the nursery, I encountered construction. I had to take an alternate route, which again involved scaling walls and some crazy trapeze artistry. It took forever to locate the nursery, and when I finally arrived I learnt that I had to go through clearance. I needed a special ID card, which I did not have, and I had to undergo all these tests to determine that I was indeed Thing 4's mama. While I was waiting for all credentials to be approved, they showed me a picture of my baby and she was gorgeous (yes, Thing 4 was a girl in this dream). She had a Santa Claus sleeper on, lots of dark hair, big chubby cheeks, and a long, black goatee . . . . eeeeek! And I thought she was beautiful. I remember even commenting that I knew she would have a goatee. Crazy!! But, I never did get to see my baby. Somehow this dream ended and I moved onto yet another one of my working dreams . . . ugh!
And so, once again, I woke up feeling uneasy. I just want to hold Thing 4. I just want to count his or her fingers and toes and make sure he or she does not have a goatee (this is so bizarre). I just want to know for certain that everything is okay. I think in a couple of weeks when I am finally able to feel Thing 4 kick and squirm that I will feel a little more at ease, but until then, I will just keep on praying. I will just keep on hoping, and, unfortunately, I will just keep on dreaming . . . tee hee!
Happy Weekend everyone!
Oh, and since this post was a little too bleak for my liking, here are some random pics of Zoe and Avery that I found on the computer this morning. I love my kids! They always manage to put a smile on my face.